Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Prep work

A lot of my energy lately has been spent planning ahead

I've adopted this boyscout-be-prepared attitude and I'm really starting to get on my nerves.

For example, if I'm going to sit down on the couch to feed Ray, I make sure I have everything I might need right there next to me. Water? Check. Computer with power cord? Check. Telephone? Check. Two different types of pacifiers? Check. Burp cloth? Check. Pen and paper? Check. Food? Check.
I'm running out of table space...
And all of this just so I won't have to risk waking Ray after he's finished eating.

Lately, (ok, in the past day) I've started wondering what all I'm missing out on by playing it so safe. Babies are spontaneous. Babies are about living in the moment. Babies live for the now. So what if he wakes up. So what if he starts crying. There are more important moments out there, waiting to be had...

Like this one:


Friday, July 25, 2008

a chance encounter

Me and the little man went on a long walk yesterday. We left the house early, while it was still cool outside and walked along a part of the bike trail that I had never been on. At one point there was this funny square of land with a tall chain link and barb wire fence all around it. 

As we approached, I tried to figure out why it was fenced like it was, then I noticed that it had a gate and that it was open. It actually looked like the gate hadn't been locked in some time. While passing by I took one more glance inside the gate and I saw two big ears and two little eyes looking right back at me. 

I stopped in my tracks and a small fawn hopped up to her feet. Her back leg was hurt badly, I think she had been hit by a car. She jumped up and ran into the back corner of the fenced area. I was concerned that maybe her leg was hurt very badly and that maybe she didn't know how to get out of the fence. In retrospect, I'm sure she knew how to get out, but at the time I thought maybe I should call animal control, I mean, she was so small. 

So, I followed her into the fenced area to try and see how badly she was hurt. I didn't want to scare her any more than I already had so I stayed far away and walked very slowly. About 10 steps into the gated area another little fawn popped his head up! I like to imagine that he was her brother; looking out for her until her leg healed.

I stopped right where I was and just stood still and watched. The new little fawn was jumping around and puffing his chest out, being very protective, I didn't want to scare them any more so I just stayed still. The boy took one last bounce and then bolted out of the gate. Well, now I felt really bad. What if she couldn't get out and now her brother had left her too! So I very slowly started to walk around behind her while clicking my tongue. As I did this she moved closer and closer to the gate until AHA! She realized she could get out and ran after her brother. 

It was the coolest.

These sweeties were only up to my thigh, they were still so small but their ears were so big! They had the most beautiful spots on their coats. I can't believe I was lucky enough to see one fawn up close much less two!

Our little walk reminded me of a story people story I had just read:

"She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said."


Thursday, July 24, 2008

fun with photobooth

sweet sweet baby ray and his stinky stinky momma
little bitty baby kisses

I guess he doesn't care if I haven't taken a shower since Saturday.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

ch ch ch ch chocolate

The best chocolate cake:

Before Payday Cake

Sift into a bowl: 
1 1/2 C flour
1 C sugar
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
4 Tbl cocoa powder

Mix well. 

Make 3 holes in the dry ingredients and add:
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbl vinegar
6 Tbl salad oil (canola, safflower..)

Pour over all:
1 C warm water

Mix very well.

Bake 325 degrees - 25 minutes - 9x9 square pan

And finally, I have found the best chocolate frosting recipe to go with it:

1 C sugar
6 Tbl corn starch
4 Tbl cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 C water
2 Tbl oil
1/2 tsp vanilla

Mix sugar, corn starch, salt and cocoa in a medium saucepan.
Whisk in the water.
Heat over medium heat until it gets thick and starts to boil about 1-2 minutes (not too long or it will turn into taffy)
Remove from heat and stir in oil and vanilla.
Cool and spread on cooled cake.

And on top of it all it is completely vegan. 
I'm not, but some people are.

Even better than that, this cake just gets yummier day after day.


1 down, 74 more to go

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
- Stevie Wonder

happy anniversary my love


Sunday, July 20, 2008


sweet baby ray and grandpa ray

Sometimes I really don't have much to say but I sit here and stare at the screen trying to think of something thought-provoking or witty to write about.

Somedays there is just not much to say.

We had a busy weekend filled with family and friends and bbqs and traveling. 
I think we're all a little wiped out. 


Friday, July 18, 2008

10 good things

Ten Good Things:

1. Baby Ray's sweet, sweet smiles.
2. Strong nipples.
3. Early morning cool breezes.
4. My new Belle baby carrier.
5. My momma.
6. Wet dogs in the summer sun.
7. Feeling creative.
8. Peach fuzz.
9. My Sigg Gorilla water bottle.
10. Decaf Iced Lattes


sneaky sneaky

mmm.. fresh strawberries.

(what you can't see is the three scoops of vanilla bean ice cream underneath them)


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

want ad

I think it is important in life to question things and lately I find myself questioning everything.
From the simple, daily, "wait, when did I feed him last? Is he really hungry again?" all the way to the existential "what is my purpose here and where am I going?"

Mostly though I've been questioning my relationships with people. I don't have very many friends. In high school, my last big social experience, I had tons of friends and lots of very different ones, but now that I'm older I find it really difficult to find people from my tribe. 

Do you know what I mean? 

Somedays I feel like I am bombarded by people who are specifically not from my tribe and I get exhausted. I like people in general, but many times I find myself wishing for a friend who just gets me. 

I find myself revisiting people I know, just because I know them. 
Because when I step back and look, they really aren't that nice to me... 
For example, one such person insists on pointing out that I have gained weight and because I have "a little meat on my bones" the world is fair and just. Another is very gossipy and makes me wonder what she says about me behind my back. And another just makes me feel depressed because she is just plain mean.

I feel like I keep trying to find friends, but I have to admit, I don't really know how to make new friends at this stage in my life. In school, you were friends because you had a class together or lived near each other and then your list of friends grew because you were friends with their friends and so on. But now, what do I do? where do I look? Sometimes I worry that maybe I come off as something unattractive like snobby or stuck-up, but I think one of my people would see right through that...

But where are my people?

I'd like to post a want ad in the universal paper.

Wanted: bff no prior experience necessary. 
Must enjoy thrift stores and making things 
with   your  hands.  Attention  to  the  small 
details    in    life    would    be   appreciated. 
Wicked   sense  of  humor  a  must.  General 
knowledge  of  obscure  trivia  is  good.   Big 
heart  and  good  listening   skills   required.
Same size in clothes a plus but not required.
If interested, please respond to: 
At home, on the couch.
Colorado, USA


Tuesday, July 8, 2008


I like to remind myself of this when I'm feeling out of balance.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light , not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others will not feel insecure around you.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson


Monday, July 7, 2008


My brain is mushy.

I have a nagging problem and I don't know what to do about it.
Ray has been eating so much lately and when it gets to the point where I just fed him 10 minutes ago and he's already hungry again we feed him a bottle. In the beginning it was a bottle of pumped milk but lately he has been eating so often that I haven't even been able to pump so he gets formula. My problem is that I really don't like the idea of feeding him formula. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. My husband doesn't mind at all and of course, he likes being able to feed his son. He calls the formula "protein shakes" and for some reason that just pisses me off. 

Every time he gets a bottle I think about all of the advantages of breast milk and I feel bad because for that moment, he's not getting any of them. Is that silly?
I know that a bottle may be necessary every now and then, and that it is even helpful at times but it's the formula part that is driving me crazy. I bought organic milk based formula, so I know that there are no GMO ingredients or growth hormones or pesticides, but still...

I think, in a small way, it makes me feel like a failure. Like, I can't feed my baby enough. 
I did some reading last night and I didn't realize that my boobs always have milk in them. I thought that they had to fill up before he could eat again, I also read about how babies get milk the whole time they are sucking not just during letdown. The fat content in the milk is the only difference. So, according to the ask dr. sears site, I should feed him whenever he seems hungry, whether it be 2 minutes after the last feeding or 2 hours. And in order to increase and maintain my milk supply I should feed him at least every 2 hours and wake him up to do so if necessary. 

That site is very much pro-breast feeding, so it is biased, but it warned against using bottles because they can send a message to the mother that she isn't making enough milk, which in turn does in fact affect her milk supply. They also warn that because it's so easy to give a bottle it's easy to start giving more and more bottles and less and less boob. I can see how that makes sense. Already in our house if the baby is crying and my husband can't figure out why, he gives him a bottle.

I want Ray to be big and strong but I feel like if he gets big and strong from my milk, then he'll be super healthy too. He'll be invincible! I worry that too much formula will create an unhealthy habit of overeating, or worse, cause him to gain too much weight too fast. 

This breast feeding thing is so much more complicated then I had thought. Maybe I'm taking it all too seriously, but it seems important to me...

strong like ox 


Thursday, July 3, 2008

one more before bed

"Listen to the musn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. 
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. 
Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... 
Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
- Shel Silverstein


my sunshine


ok. ok. I think I understand.  
When I make this little man my number one priority for the day, not only do things go much smoother but I actually end up accomplishing more than I thought I could. 

It isn't always easy.
This usually means stopping whatever I am doing (cooking, eating, etsying, writing this post) at a not-so-convenient point and really taking the time to figure out what he needs.

I mean really taking the time to figure out what he needs.

Today this meant an impromptu walk around the neighborhood. It rained last night and the air was nice and cool and in the end it was a delightful little walk. And honestly I would not have stopped to take it if it were not for him. But it's hard to pause. Sometimes I have to consciously make myself stop and refocus. It's even harder when I'm tired. I never realized how short my patience is when I'm sleep deprived. Luckily, he has a relatively short list of issues: Food. Sleep. Diaper. Entertain. Comfort.

And really, at the end of the day, aren't those needs the same as all of ours?

I love it when someone stops and asks how I am and then honestly listens to the answer.  
I figure that's the least I can do for him.


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

me and my little man

Perfect Day

It was a day filled with the glow of ordinary things & we passed them quietly from hand to hand for a long time & someone said she had picked a perfect day to be born & I think all of us felt the same.

(borrowed from StoryPeople)

hello monkey.