Monday, October 27, 2008



divide and conquer

I'm feeling very abstract today. 
Everyday really. 
I can't seem to pin anything down, make any progress. I feel like I'm wading through wet concrete. It's deeper than just my daily life, like spiritually I'm stuck. I'm feeling no greater purpose and I'm sure as hell not seeing any grande plan.
I feel like I need a jump start. A quick shock of inspiration. 
I'm trying to narrow my focus, eliminate the riff raff, but I feel swamped.

Imagine this: 
I feel like I am treading water in a pool filled with receipts and little scraps of paper and every time I move my arms and kick my legs I get covered in these wet sticky bits. If I stop treading, the water calms, the pieces float on by, and slowly I sink to the bottom...

ooh, analyze that one.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

drinking it all in

great quote over at superhero journal this morning:

“This is the true joy in life, to be used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, to be thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap. To be a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am a member of a community and as a member it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can before I die. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch that I want to make burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.” 
-George Bernard Shaw

and another great one from my brother:

"time is relative... 

Time and space combine to form space-time, and everyone measures his or her own experience in it differently because the speed of light is the same for all observers. In other words, if all observers have to agree on the speed of light being 300,000 km per second, then they can't agree on the time it takes for other objects to travel relative to them." - Einstein's theory of relativity.

your day can take as long as you want."

(thanks tay)


Saturday, October 25, 2008

you , me and the tv

I hate it when all of my days start to blur together. 
I really hate it when I start memorizing tv schedules.

Lately I find myself feeling frustrated and bored at the same time. When this used to happen I'd spend 2 days cleaning and rearranging my studio from top to bottom and as much as I would achingly love to do this, I'm afraid that is no longer possible. 

I'm learning that a lot of the things I used to enjoy are just no longer possible. It's a tough pill to swallow. One of my biggest gripes these days is that I can't seem to finish anything. I've learned how to work on things piece by piece, each pause punctuated with breastfeeding, dishes, laundry, diapers and fussing, but I cannot for the life of me seem to finish anything.

On a brighter side, little Ray bear is truly a joy to be around. He giggles and babbles and keeps me entertained. I think that's where the root of my frustration comes from, not from the giggles and babbles, but from my ingrained definition of the word accomplishment. 

Does a long day being a mom count as much as a long day working a job for someone else? 

Mommy-ness doesn't pay those crisp green bills but in my opinion every one of it's rewards blow those little pieces of paper out of the water. 

So why can't I convince myself that every day is an accomplishment in itself?


Friday, October 24, 2008

read me

a good story for stressful times
from storypeople

"My grandfather used to come home from work & he'd stomp twice on the porch with his big boots & he'd say, It's time to be afraid & we'd start screaming & my sister hid behind the piano & I'd hide in the hall closet that smelled like moth balls & it would get very quiet & then he would say, Now, it's time to be very afraid & then we'd start laughing & he'd drag us out, one under each arm, & give us toffee & chocolates & to this day whenever someone says it's time to be afraid, I scream for a little while like everybody else, but I'm really just waiting for the treats"


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

my favorite sandwich

Take two pieces of your favorite bread.
Toast lightly.
Spread peanut butter all over one piece of bread.
Slice 8 slices of your favorite apple and put these on top of the peanut butter.
Take 4 pieces of crispy bacon and place them on top of the apple slices.
Drizzle both slices of bread with honey.
Smush the two halves together gently until you hear the slight crunch of the bacon.


dog eat dog

As you can imagine, life with 5 dogs can be hectic at times.
We have 2 females and 3 males; 4 black labs and 1 german shepherd. 
Rain is never good (and it's been raining), our floors get trashed in two minutes flat. I already have to vacuum every other day to keep the hair under control and rain brings in the mud. Well, to add to the chaos our two females have started fighting.

Lucky is originally my dog. She is probably 8 years old by now. (I never really knew, she was a rescue.) She is a full breed English Black Lab. Shorter and stockier than her American counter-parts. Her size and shape comes from being bred to pull nets out of the ocean and up the beach. It's a long story (which you can read here) but I found her with a broken leg, had her all fixed up and she's been my girl ever since. We've been through a lot together and she truly is my best friend.

Gretta is a full breed German Shepherd. She is about 4 years old. Gretta was the last piece in a nasty divorce. Her previous owners couldn't decide who got to have her so they went to the vet to have her put to sleep. Luckily one of my husband's friends worked at that vet clinic and told them that no one was going to put her to sleep and took her home. She knew my husband had lots of land and called and asked him if he could take her. So she became dog number 3 for my husband. Gretta is a wonderful dog but we all agree that she may have a screw loose. She is very hyperactive and a little bit of a handful from time to time. When she is quiet and calm she is very loving and sweet.

So. for the past two months or so Gretta has started picking on Lucky. When she gets really excited, ever since I've known her, she would put Mick's (the skinny black lab mix) head in her mouth. I always imagined her saying "oh my god, oh my god, I'm.   just.   so.   excited!" Well now she makes a bee-line for Lucky and starts "dominating" her. She bites her (not hard) and forces her to the ground where she stands on top of her and bites her some more.
In the beginning It scared me so bad to see this and I would break up the fight however I could. Which usually meant throwing rocks at Gretta. So for the past couple weeks I have been trying to ignore them and let them do their dominance thing and it seemed like Gretta had won and everything was fine. 

Until today.

I was walking back from the studio to the house when Gretta made a bee-line for Lucky. No big deal, I thought just ignore them. Well, this time Gretta was more aggressive than usual and Lucky started to cry. I yelled at her to stop but she wouldn't give it up so I ran inside and put the baby down. Ran back outside and Lucky was still crying only now Bob had joined in and had bit Lucky on the leg and was pulling on it. I lost it and started yelling at the two of them. As soon as I yelled at Bob he quit and backed away but Gretta wouldn't stop so I threw rocks at her again and as soon as she let go Lucky ran inside. 

Based on the way Bob was acting I think he just got caught up in the moment and went a little too far but the fact that they wouldn't stop when she started crying worries me. What if I leave one day and come back to find her seriously hurt, or worse dead?

So for now they are separated. 
Talk about an adrenaline rush... 
I'm still recovering.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

you can dress me up, but you can't...

I need a new wardrobe.

The final episode of Project Runway was last night followed by Tim Gunn's Guide to Style.
I finally stopped watching tv at 1am and went to bed grumpy and exhausted. Baby Ray and I had walked all over downtown FC putting up posters for my craft show. (by the way, I'm putting together a craft show) We were out for about 3 hours of straight walking (and he now weighs 16 lbs) I was pretty tired.

Anyway, back to my clothes.

I've never claimed to be a fashionista but I do remember a time when I thought of myself as fashionable. I used to sew my own clothes and I even owned 40 different pairs of shoes. Now I wear hand-me-downs and have 5 different colors of chuck taylors. I don't want to be uber-hip or trendy, I would just like to be able to wake up, go to my closet and have to choose what to wear, rather than stare blankly at my closet wishing an inspired thought would enter my brain. 

I have been sewing some cute clothes lately but unfortunately they are not breast feeding friendly. I guess the trade off for getting my figure back is needing to worry about whether I can easily whip out my boob or not. 

At the bottom of it all, I think being a momma has left me with this deep worry that now I look like a "mom". Which to me means tired, out of touch, and well, frumpy. Minivans and mom-jeans, you know? Or even Suburbans and soccer gear... 

I know I need to change that view. My momma never looked like that, in fact I totally admire her sense of style. I guess I really just want some clothes that make me feel like a beautiful woman. Not like a college student, not like a little girl, not lazy or clueless, but something that would grace the pages of anthropologie.

Well, here's to wishing.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

reconstructed books

New artwork!
I took a workshop last weekend at the artist's nook. The teacher, um... not so great. No offense, but she was very eager to talk about herself and her accomplishments. That's almost all she talked about. Not exactly as spiritual as the last workshop. Actually everyone left by 3:00 (headaches and long drives were to blame). So I had 2 hours all to myself to just make art. Now that was lovely.

not too sure about this one. made on a book cover with other book covers and spines. colors are good, just not a huge fan of the style of illustration.

antique and vintage book covers ad spines, protractor found taped inside the back cover of a vintage surveying book. handwritten notes. I'm not sure if this one is finished yet...

first collage finished. Love it. My favorite. Four thousand questions and answers. antique brass stencil, book covers and spines.

second collage. I love this one too. book parts and an old handwritten note found in a children's book. vintage sewing pattern



in honor of fall

crunchy leaves
red tips and green grass
empty branches
bright pumpkins
warm soup
my favorite pair of jeans
a good beer at the end of the day
thin, crisp light
cool nights and warm afternoons
laundry hanging on the line
sweet smell of wood smoke drifting in my windows


Sunday, October 5, 2008

sweet family

ah love <3

the internet is like crack

As most of you know I have a love hate relationship with the internet.
I love how I can find answers right when I have a question, I love how I can research and learn new things, I love being able to 'meet' and talk with new people. I love being able to browse through things that I'd never buy/be able to afford and honestly, sometimes, I do like how I can completely 'check out' when I'm surfing the net.

It reminds me of when my husband is watching 'the worlds worst videos mixed martial art cops' show. 

"what do you want for dinner?"
"what do you want for dinner?"
"mm hmm"
"oh, you want fish? (he hates fish)
"....." (no answer)
"ok fish it is!"

(Ha hA! I actually played this one on him the other night and surprise surprise he actually liked the fish! )

Anyway my point was that sometimes real life is just so much better.

Lately my life has been so good that I haven't had the urge to be online, so I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Here's the skinny on the whats and whys:

~I'm planning a local craft fair for this holiday season. (If I can't find time to make things myself, maybe I can help others sell their things)

~I am actually selling more things locally than online (always a good feeling)

~We switched to cloth diapers. (yay no more stinky landfill waste) 

~I'm landscaping and planning out my new garden area. (super excited about this one)

~I am a composter. (you wouldn't believe how much longer it takes to fill our trash can now)

~We now recycle. (same as above)

~And we actually own half of a dairy cow and are now drinking raw milk. (the most delicious thing ever)

Ooh.. That last one may be taboo but I did my research and this milk is cleaner and is tested more than regular grocery store milk. It still has all of it's healthy enzymes and probiotics (and because of this, my lactose-intolerant husband can drink it). It also has more vitamin C than a glass of orange juice, not to mention all of the vitamin D and calcium.
This dairy is awesome. Through them I also have access to handmade cheeses and of course anything else dairy (yogurt, creme, cottage cheese..) I also can get 100% grass fed beef and pork. I'm in hog heaven.

So anyway, last but not least, my brother is coming to visit soon and that always makes me happy. He's my best friend and I can't wait to see him.

*wishing you happiness and sunny fall days*